THIS HOTEL SUCKS

What the Tivoli sort of lacks in getting the balance between space and coziness correct in their rooms they certainly make up for in a massive first impression. 

Brazil is already a magical place to me, whether it’s the bustling potential of the landlocked and beautifully advertisement-free urban sprawl of Sao Paulo or the intensely mellow, City-On-The-Beach vibes of breathtakingly picturesque Rio. Hopping out of our climate controlled transport and briefly into the beyond-humid steam shower was just disorienting enough to distract me away from the endless caravan of Supercar SuperSUVs pulling to the valet. Into the lobby and you’re met with a dazzling metal hanging sculpture of rectangular rods, you might bother to look up if you weren’t looking down as you passed the Little Person doorman contrasted by the enormous security guard standing behind him. 

The fun kind of ends there. The lobby/atrium is great, and were it that I was the kind of person who wanted to wow a client who still considered her/himself young and hip (but probably isn’t) I’d be happy to hold court right there. One of my touring companions was quick to point out the “fuck-me rail” in the elevator, which I’ve never heard of and if you’re on my team there it’s a shelf round the perimeter of the elevator, 6’+ person’s waist-high with tuck and roll leather. That was fun, I guess. 

My room wasn’t that special. I liked the minimal woodiness of it a lot. I didn’t really connect with the size of it, as it was quite long, and empty, despite having a massive bed, a normal-sized sofa, and a nice desk. The in-room coffee service there is a pod-machine, with a variety of pods laid out, however, not clearly indicated they’re part of your minibar fee. I guess I’d gotten so used to the notion that if the coffee in the room is DIY, then it’s complimentary (ok, “very nice packaged” coffee and a French press, I’d look before I leap). At finding out too late about the $8 I’d just spent wasn’t wonderful, especially after a pretty gnarly early wake-up to get out of Santiago the night before. No, there’s no auto shut-off either, so I had a pretty watery, over-priced Nespresso in the 15 minutes I had to enjoy my room before I ran out the door to work. 

I basically came back and climbed into the vast bed and had a pretty good night’s sleep. I think I enjoyed the menagerie of pillows and didn’t feel like I had to stay up and audition each one, which can be annoying sometimes when you just want to crash out but not wake up in the morning with half your arm still asleep. 

All in all it was a decent hotel. The bathroom had a bidet and I used it! I always appreciate the old touchtone phone hanging next to the toilet. It makes me think there used to be a time where being constantly connected was a luxury and to have one next to the shitter, well, even moreso.